Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
