I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dignity is for republicans.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
