You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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