That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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