I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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