Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
