Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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