You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
