She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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