I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
