I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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