Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
