Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
