Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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