I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
