Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
