Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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