Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
