I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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