Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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