You smell like a Billy Joel song
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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