I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
