if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
