here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
