After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
