She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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