can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
They have beer where we have blood.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
