I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
