This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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