Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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