When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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