I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
