Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
