Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm so fucking centered right now
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
