Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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