Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
