Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
