he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
