So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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