I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
