If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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