Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
