I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
