Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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