Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
