Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
