STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
