how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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