Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
