I can text with my tongue
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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