I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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