I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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