guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Porn is love you can see.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
