I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
